How Far We've Come
by lost.beyond.finding
Summary: It's so over. But is it really? A metal bending situation brings Meredith and Derek closer then ever before. Post S3. MerDer. Chapter 5 up!
1. I Miss You

**Author Note: Hello Y'all! I should warn you this is my first fan fic. So if it is bad...don't shoot me. As well, updates for the story will take awhile. Between rep hockey (Go Flamborough Sabres 3), school, work, and tutoring, I have little free time. So bare will me:)**

Disclaimer. I don't own Grey's Anatomy or that hunk named Patrick Dempsey. Tear. If I did own Grey's season 3 wouldn't have ended the way it did. I also do not own Blink-182 who's song is the name of this chapter. Nor do I own any of the future bands and their songs.

* * *

Chapter 1

"I miss you"

(I miss you, miss you)   
(I miss you, miss you)  
Where are you and I'm so sorry  
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight  
I need somebody and always  
this sick strange darkness  
comes creeping on so haunting every time  
and as I stared I counted  
webs from all the spiders  
catching things and eating their insides  
like indecision to call you  
and hear your voice of treason  
will you come home and stop this pain tonight  
stop this pain tonight

(Blink-182 'I miss you')

* * *

A loud gasp filled the bedroom. She grabbed her heart, as if it was jumping out of her chest and she was pushing it back inside. 

"Mer," Christina whispered, "Are you-"

"I'm fine, I should be asking you that."

"We have gone through this Meredith, I'm fine." Meredith knew she wasn't fine. Fine doesn't cry for hours on end. Fine doesn't…this, this isn't fine. Not. Fine. Un. Fine.

"What's wrong?" Christina said cutting into Meredith's thoughts. Meredith didn't want to talk about her dream or her thoughts, both of which were not helping her to sleep. But, Mer, she owed this to Christina. They had talked for hours, about things, Burke things, Christina things, Burke and Christina things. And the wedding of no existence. Even if she owed, she didn't want to spill. She didn't want to worry Christina at a time like this because she was not fine. Un. Fine. She wanted to be supportive Mer, not selfish Mer. And on the other hand, this. Was. Killing. Her. She loved him, she knew it deep down inside. She could try and deny. She could try and divert her feelings, her love, her lust for him with one night stands and drowning her sorrow in tequila, but at the end of the night it was him. Derek Shepherd, she wanted to fall asleep with. She could tell Christina. Just blurt it. Just-

"Ibrokeupwithderek." There, it was out. It was out floating around. Hanging.

"McWhat?!"

Bad idea. Bad idea. She knew she would want her to expand. It was Christina. It was her _person_.

"I. I told him. I told him it was over. So, over," she sighed, she was rambling, stumbling. "I told him in front of everyone. At the church. Indirectly. But he knew. He…knew." Christina rolled over in the bed to face Meredith. She gazed into her eyes, but it was too dark, she could barely see the outline of her body let alone her eyes. "I thought you and Shepherd were…"

"Happy? I guess not.""Oh, McDreamy's being McDouchy."

"Christina!" Meredith snapped, "Not helping."

"Right, sorry."

Silence. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Tick, tick, tick. "Is this why you woke up the way you did?" Christina asked.

"I was dreaming. About him," she frowned as she remembered the image flying past her vision. "I made a mistake. We made mistakes." Silence again. The word 'mistake' hung over them like a black cloud. Nothing more was said, they were too busy being lost in their own thoughts. Meredith rolled over to look away from Christina. She tried to sleep and shut her eyes but every time she did, her head filled with images, movies played on the back of her eyelids. Derek. Derek with McBarWhore. Derek sleeping alone. Derek hurting. There was a lone thought that was horrifying, but it did cross her mind, Derek was on the street somewhere dying and she hadn't told him she loved him, hadn't told him how she felt, instead she told him it was over. So over.

_Sleep Mer_, she cooed to herself, _Sleep_.

* * *

_She needed a few shots of tequila. There wasn't much alcohol at __the mixer __for the interns. She__ wandered across the __street,__ she had seen a __bar before she went to the mixer__. She almost didn't go to the hospital to meet the other interns, she almost went to the bar instead because that sounded__ better. __Much better. __ She walked __through the doors and found a sea__t along the bar. It wasn't too busy, which made Meredith a bit happy because she wasn't in the mood for a crowd. She ordered __a s__traight__ tequila. T__he bartender, __he said "Straight tequila. Really? You will be sorry in the morning." He was right. She would be._

_  
"I am always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow is __my first day of work, so keep '__em__ coming." She could __feel someone watching her. Their__ eyes pierced through her skin, but she didn't dare turn around. __Just about then __a ha__ndsome man walked up to the bar. _

_  
"__So, is this a good place to hang out?__" The man asked. _

_  
"I wouldn't know, never been here before."__ She __answered __and w__ent back to her drink. She just wanted __to drink. __Without a conversation._

_  
"You know wha__t? I haven't either. __First time __here.__ I'm new in town. __Never been to Seattle.__ New job soon.__ Ah, you're ignoring me__"_

_  
Was she that obvious? "Ah, trying to."_

_  
"__You sho__uldn't ignore me."_

_  
"Why not?"_

_  
"Because I am someone you have to get to know to love." _

_  
"Really?" Stop flirting with __him__ Meredith, s__he told herself, you know what happens when you flirt._

_  
"Oh yes__"_

_  
"__So__ if I know you, I'll love you__" I don't even know you yet __and __I love you__ and your smile__, she said to herself._

___  
"Oh yes."_

___  
"You really like yourself huh?"_

___  
"Just hiding my pain,__" This man. Was. Mysterious. __And __Pain? He looked so happy. Bright and shiny almost. What pain? "So what is your story?" he continued._

___  
"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar." Lies. You have a story. Your father left you when you were young and your mom doesn't even remember you because of th__e__ disease__ that is eating away at her brain. His voice brought her back down to planet Earth._

___  
"I'm just a guy in a bar." _

___  
Meredith began thinking. Maybe she d__id want a conversation, maybe she could __have one__ more night of partying before she got__ serious. _

___  
Before she knew it they were stumbling up to the step of Meredith's mom's house. She fumbled with the key__s__. She couldn't concentrate __with his__ breath hot against__ her neck and his __arm __around her waist while he kissed along her jaw line. A moan escaped her lips. _

___  
"Hurry." __He whispered in her ear, sending chills up and down her spine. _

___  
There, finally, she unlocked the door. They weren't even all the way in the door when he spun her around and__ pulled down the straps on her dress, letting the dress fall to the ground__. His eyes drank her in. She reached for his shirt and pulled him closer. __They staggered into the living room._

___  
"__I just moved in,__ I__ haven't…__" she moaned as he started to kiss down her cleavage, "I haven't had time to unpack."_

___  
"I don't care."__ He said while she unbuttoned his shirt._

___  
She ran her hands down his chest, landing her hands on his belt. Slowly undoing it. Teasing him. _

___  
Within minutes neither of __them had anything covering their __bodies, they were completely naked. He had a mischievous grin on his face, a grin that made Meredith want __him bad. __She took matters in__to her own hands and pushed him on to the cou__ch. The__ mischievous grin fade__d__, now he was just surprised. She got on top of him and straddle__d his hips. She leaned down and kissed him on the lips._

___  
"Take me." She whispered against his lips._

* * *

_  
_

The sun made its way through the lone window in the bedroom, signaling a wake up call for the girls. Well it was one of two. The second one should be-

"'So you got to let me know, should I stay or should I go' Good morning Seattle, you are listening to Seattle's favorite radio sta-" Christina slammed her hand down on the snooze button and let out a long mumble.

Meredith sighed. She knew that song. The Clash sung it, Derek's favorite band. Derek. Her heart ached. She motioned to get up but muscles ached in sync with her heat. Her muscles screamed, 'Five more minutes. Please.' But she knew she couldn't. It was her first day as a resident. She fully got out of bed ignoring pleads from her muscles. She sauntered out of bed into the bathroom, and looked up at the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her hair was a total mess, sticking out in every direction. Meredith turned on the tap and splashed some cold water on her face, yet she didn't feel any better. She heard the alarm clock go off again, followed by a mumble from Christina. It lives, Meredith thought, giggling to herself. Christina, half wake, walked into the bathroom where Meredith was still standing looking at herself in the mirror.

They didn't talk much as they quickly got ready. In fact the only time someone broke the silence and spoke was when Christina asked Meredith if she wanted a coffee before they left, and she answered with a faint, almost inaudible 'No'. Meredith would get some coffee at the hospital. She needed to get out of this stuffy apartment; she needed to talk to Derek.

The drive to Seattle Grace was the same. Quiet. Except the dull roar of the muffler and the little hum of the radio that escaped the speakers.

It wasn't soon until Meredith parked the car outside the hospital. She had spent the last five minutes circling the parking lot pretending to look for a good spot, but she was really looking for Derek's car, which she had no success finding. So she grabbed the next spot she saw. Meredith was the first to break the silence.

"Are you going to be okay today Christina?" Meredith asked as she turned the car off.

"I will hold up."

"You know you can page me if you need to talk or, you know for anything."

Christina nodded before reaching into the backseat, grabbed her bag and got out. Meredith quickly did the same. The cold air hit them hard. Meredith wanted to get back in the car and turn the heat on, but instead she hurried to the doors of Seattle Grace following closely behind Christina.

By the time Meredith was inside the warmth of the hospital, Christina was at the coffee stand by the entrance ordering two coffees. Christina handed Mer her warm coffee. She was in desperate need of some caffeine. She bought the cup up to her lips and took a long sip. It felt like heaven, it instantly warmed her cool body. They made their way to the elevator. Meredith hoped someone else would come and wait for the elevator with them because she could tell by Christina's face she wanted to talk now and Meredith wasn't in the mood. She wanted peace. And quiet.

The doors slid open, and a hand full of people exited the enclosed space. They got on without indecision. Meredith was stuck. In the elevator. There was no way out. She was stuck.

"Are you going to talk to him?" Christina asked. Meredith winced. She knew she was going to ask, especially after telling her she broke up with Derek. Divert Meredith. Distract. Reroute.

"Are you going to talk to Burke?" She completely ignored Christina's prior question. She didn't want to talk about Derek. Definitely not in an elevator because this is where many of their memories were created.

"No. Maybe. If he's here. I guess," Christina stopped, and looked at Meredith but she wasn't paying attention to the glare her friend was giving her. She was too busy doing a happy dance in her mind, she had diverted Christina. "Hey, you didn't answer my question!"

Damn, Meredith thought. "Uh-" Meredith stalled. The doors would open any minute. They were close to the second floor. Open. Open. Open. Ding. The doors slid open and two doctors got on. Neither doctors she knew but she thanked them inside her mind.

The tall grey-haired middle age doctor started a conversation with the other doctor who entered the elevator . The other doctor didn't look as old as the middle-aged doctor. He looked to be in his early thirties.

"Pretty slow morning so far eh?"

"Always a bad sign. The slow ones always end on a fast pace."

Meredith impatiently shifted her weight from one foot to another. She wanted to get out of the elevator. She could feel Christina's eyes on her waiting for an answer. Why did everything move so slowly when she wanted it to move fast? The elevator made a dinging sound indicating they had arrived on the third floor. Meredith and Christina pushed past the two other doctors to get off the elevator. Christina was still looking at her. What did she want? An answer, but didn't see get the hint? She didn't want to talk about Derek. She didn't understand why Christina was so willing to talk about Burke after what happened.

"Maybe." She answered. But she knew damn well that it was a 'yes', but why did Christina have to know.

She looked over at Christina. She wasn't looking at her anymore. Thank god, Meredith said to herself. She was getting sick of the feeling of Christina's eyes piercing her skin with an unbearable gaze. They walked to the locker room in silence. Christina had gotten her answer.

* * *

All and all George O'Malley was having a pretty good morning. He was offered an amazing deal and he was extremely lucky to get Dr. Bailey as his resident again. But this deal. This deal was big. Enormous. Colossal. Chief Webber had told him if he was to prove himself worthily enough as an intern to him and the board they would allow him to become a 1st year resident within a few months. He thought it all it all over while he waited for an incoming trauma with his fellow interns, Lexie, Claire, Graciella, and Leo. There had been a fatal crash on the highway near the hospital involving 4 cars, and that was basically all anyone knew. The blaring sound of sirens filled the air. 

"O'Malley first ambulance. Claire, Graciella second. Leo third. Grey fourth. I expect to see their films in twenty minutes!" Miranda Bailey bellowed.

George rushed to the first ambulance and flew open the doors. The paramedics looked up at George. The woman paramedic was the first to speak.

"Caucasian male, late thirties, sustained trauma to the head and abdomen." The paramedics started to wheel the patient out and that was when George got to see the man's face fully. The blood drained from his face and there was a sick feeling in his stomach.

"Oh god."


	2. Barely Listening

**Sorry for leaving everyone hanging, I will do that often. And sorry for not updating quicker but I had a lot a hockey, and way too many doctor's appointments. Blahh...the joy of past concussions. :( Anyway, please review, I love hearing from y'all it makes my day better.  
**

**I want to thank my editor, Serena. I love you. Hehe (P.S. Serena, did you see Dakotah's and Saliba's pic in the yearbook? Funny looking eh? They both looked stoned!)  
**

**Lastly! Guess what...2 days till the Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere! Yeee...**

* * *

Chapter 2 

"Barely Listening"

Flowers lie on the counter, remind her of better days  
She sends a prayer up to Jesus  
And she asks him for his strength  
And the night will go on bleeding  
Was it faith that paid the rent?

And I know you're barely listening  
I know you're barely listening  
I know you're barely listening  
Now I know you're….  
I know you're barely listening  
I know you're barely listening  
I know you're barely listening  
Now I know you're….

There was light knock at the chief's door. "Come in." Dr. Webber bellowed.

Meredith cautiously opened the door to his office. She took a deep breathe before stepping in. She insured herself that she shouldn't be worried but she couldn't help it. I was ten in the morning and she still hadn't seen or heard from Derek. She wasn't expecting him to call or talk to her, especially since she dumped him. She had dumped…him. A dull ache formed in her heart. But she had to ask. Had to.

"Um, chief, I wanted to know if you knew where," she swallowed hard. And uneasy. "Do you know where Der…Dr. Shepherd is?"

She balanced herself on one of the chairs that was in front of his desk. She needed to hear this even if it was to knock her over. She hated herself for always assuming the worst but this past year she had learned that she was the president of people with crappy lives, so she expected things. Bad things. Things that hurt. Hurt like being hit across the face with a piece of two by four plywood.

"Uh, Meredith, Dr. Shepherd…Derek-"

Just then the phone rang. It echoed in the room, like her heartbeat echoed in her ears. She wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if Richard had heard her heart from where he was standing. Thump, thump, thump.

"I have to take this, it's important." He announced.

Thump, thump, thump. Again. And again. And again. She wanted to scream but she knew this was nothing. She was just overdoing this. Worrying to much. He was fine. He was probably sick. Or on a consult. Or just away because of the resent events. She was just…it was nothing. Nothing at all.

She hadn't noticed that Dr. Webber was off the phone, she was to busy thinking of worse case scenarios, instead of best case. It wasn't unusually to miss one day of work…

"Meredith?"

Meredith shook her head and cleared her head. She was brought back down to planet Earth and exited Mer's secret domain.

"Yes sir?"

"Where were we?"

"Derek." She quivered. Stop, she felt like yelling at herself. It's nothing. He is just avoiding you. Just sick. Just away.

"Meredith, there was a fatal crash on the highway, surely you know that yes?"

Where the fuck was he going, she found herself musing. What did the crash have to do with Derek? She knew he wasn't in surgery, she checked the OR board 3 times. Maybe it was an emergency, they didn't have time to write it on the board. Maybe… no, the nurses always wrote it on the board, it was their job to. But maybe. What if? Who knows? And then...it hit her. Hit her and almost knocked the wind out of her. Her eyes stung, but she held back her tears, barely. Hanging…trying…to hold on. But, still slowly falling. Finger. By finger.

"Are you saying…oh god, what are you saying? Was. Was." She froze. No, she thought, he is in surgery, it just wasn't on the board. Derek's fine she told herself. He just had to do a craniotomy. Just..a surgery.

Dr. Webber cleared his throat. "Meredith, Derek, he was in the crash."

It felt like a thousand knives stabbed into her heart. One by one. Stinging, paining, killing. And she was falling. She couldn't do anything. She just focused on trying to breathe and stand. Stand and breathe. It felt surreal. It felt-

"No!" she yelled. "No, no, no. Derek's fine. He's fine. He's at the trailer, he's okay, just sick," Denial. "He's fine."

_Denial.__ It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?_

She was still falling, even as she tried to deny it all, she kept falling. Trying to hold on. Slipping slowly. And then the dam burst and tears flowed down her pale face.

"Meredith." Richard whispered.

"Where is he? I need to…I have to be with him. How bad is he?" Her mind was racing. What to ask first? Who? What? Where? When? How?

"Meredith, please have a sit."

"No! Where is he? What happened to him?"

"Meredith," he walked over to her carefully. "He has a perinephric hematoma, it should heal itself. It could have been…" Worse, dying worse, or moral danger worse.

How come she didn't know, how come. The gossip mill at this hospital was huge. Gossiping was the nurses' favourite hobby. Why didn't Meredith know?

"How come no one told me what happened to him?" she said, which was barely audible. I had been two, almost three hours since the crash, why hadn't she known? Didn't he ask for her? Didn't...she stopped her thoughts. Why would her ask for her? She wasn't his girlfriend. She wasn't anything to him. She was just a girl in a bar. The dirty ex-mistress. The slutty intern. The lusty intern. She was just Meredith Grey.

"Meredith I would have told you but," _But. But what_, she pondered. She brought her hand up to her cheek to brush away her tears. "But he told me not to tell you."

Meredith froze. It felt like someone punched her in the face. Almost knocking her over. She gasped for air. She squeezed her lungs of everything she had left. It felt like her throat was closing up on her. She felt dizzy from the lack of air. She felt sick. Just sick. It was all too much. Why? Why? Why?

"What?"

* * *

She ran down the corridors of the hospital. 4220. 4220. 4220. Derek was in room 4220. It was the last thing Dr. Webber said to her before she bolted it out of that confined space called an office. 4220. 4220. 4220. She ran and ran. She ran past everyone, not stopping to talk. Or to explain why she was running. She didn't have time. No. Time. 

Tears still came dripping down her face. She must have looked horrible. Her make-up was probably in streaks on her face. Her eyes were probably puffy and bloodshot. Her face was probably a ghostly white colour. But at _this_ time, at _this _moment, she didn't care. She didn't give a fuck. All she really cared about was Derek. Derek…

Almost a whole two minutes later she was standing outside of 4220, Derek's room. But, there was no Derek. No bed. No…anything. Derek was gone. The room showed no remnants of Derek. She walked into the middle of the room. She could still smell his aftershave and everything that made him smell the way he did. She still struggled to catch her breath as she breathed in his smell.

"Hey." a familiar voice said. It was a woman. Her voice was soft and soothing to the ears. Meredith spun on her heels to find this voice.

"Addison," Where was Derek? She had to be with him. And why was Addison here? Too many questions popped in her head. Too. Many. "Where's…Where is he?"

Addison got up and walked over to her. She motioned to hug her but Meredith pushed her away. No, she couldn't hug Addison, she couldn't break down again. Not in Addison's embrace. Not at all.

"No. Where is Derek? How is he?"

Addison ran her hand through her hair. She didn't know how to say this without Meredith crumbling at her feet, leaving nothing but a pile. A pile of Meredith dust. Addi took a deep breathe and cleared her throat.

"You know he had a perinephric hematoma, right?" Meredith nodded as tears still formed in her eyes. She couldn't stop it. They just fell. Uncontrollable. "As you know they usually heal on their own. Usually. Well, Derek's wasn't going to heal on itself it was bleeding way to fast. They had to take him in to surgery. Meredith, I'm sorry."

Her heart fell. It just fell. And it sucked it down with her. She was falling, falling, falling. And not stopping. She denied. She told herself he was fine. It's a minor thing. Minor. He's okay. Okay. But no matter how much she denied or she tried to insure herself things were fine, she knew things _weren't_ fine. Not. Fine. Un. Fine.

"When did he go in?" Meredith asked, looking in to Addison's sea blue eyes. Looking for insurance. Looking for anything.

"Ten to fifteen minutes ago."

She still had a long wait until he came out. What would she do to past time? She couldn't work, not with Derek in surgery.

"What…what do we do until he's out?"

"Wait?" Addison offered.

"No, I can't. I can't wait. I have to, but I can't. I have to do something. I can't wait. I've be waiting a total of maybe five minutes and I'm already freaking out," She couldn't help but wonder. Is this how Derek felt when she drowned? Useless? Powerless? It must have been worse, she died. She was cold. And blue. She couldn't be here, she couldn't wait in this room for hours and make small talk with Addison. For hours. She couldn't. She. Just. Couldn't. "I can't." Meredith muttered.

She turned and ran. Ran and didn't look back. She ran to the first on-call room she could find. Slamming her body into the door opened it and then slammed it shut. The tears came running down her face again. She couldn't stop, it wasn't like a facet with a turn off knob. It was like a waterfall, it spilled over the edge without any control. Spilling…Tears fell onto her scrubs leaving dark wet spots. She closed her eyes and tried to make the tears stop running. She tried to stop the waterfall. The uncontrollable waterfall.

* * *

_"Hey." Derek breathed on the back of her neck._

_"Hey." Meredith echoed.  
_

_Her throat ached and her voice was scratchy. His breathe was hot against the skin of her neck. The grip Derek had around Meredith tightened and he kissed the back of her neck. She tried to roll over to look at the reason she should have fought but his embrace was too tight. She wanted, needed even, to see his face. Kiss his lips. Bury her head in the hollow of his neck. Rub his cheek. Look into his midnight blue eyes. Another moan escaped her lips. She tried to find the strength to say something but it ached. Way too much. But, it slowly came up from her throat, clawing every inch, causing a sharp pain._

_"I love you, Derek."  
_

_She could feel him smile on the back of her neck. His hand began to rub her arm. She goose bumped at his soft touch. She was alive. Alive with the glory of love._

_"I love you too, Mer." He mumbled on the back of her neck, sending chills through her body, as he planted another kiss there._

* * *

The on-call room door opened and a tall slender figure stood in the door way. The outside lights brighten the room. Meredith looked away, it burnt her eyes, like a thousand miles of fire, causing a new set of tears to form. The person walked in and shut the door behind them. _I really should have locked the door_ Meredith said to herself. 

"Are you okay?" the dark figure asked. A woman, Meredith presumed from the tone and sound of the voice.

"No." Well, at least she wasn't denying she wasn't okay. She was making some progress…

The woman sat down on the bed beside Meredith.

"I didn't think so, I could hear you crying from the hall," she paused. She tried to look at Meredith's face but it was impossible to see it in the pitch black room. "Do you want to tell me? You might feel better."

"I don't even know you." Meredith found herself saying.

"Well, I'm an intern, first day on the job. My name's Lexie. Lexie Grey."

Meredith felt her jaw drop. She strutted. "Gr…Grey?"

"Yep. Why?"

"Oh, ah, well, um," Meredith scratched her lip. Thatcher's daughter. No way. She was surprised she had done this well so far. She was so close to saying 'holy fuck' but there was a voice in her head said, _You__ don't need this not today, hold it in. Hold it in_. She found herself still sitting there in amazement, not believing any of this was happening. But on the other hand, it was just one of those days. She'd forgotten Lexie was sitting there, and that she was half-ass having a conversation with her. Where was she? "Ah, well, it's just there's another Grey working at the hospital."

"Oh yeah, she's my half-sister." Just half. You'll never be more Lexie. Never. "Her name is…Meriel?"

Meredith's heart fell. She had a sister that didn't know what her name was. Meriel. Seriously?! She know she shouldn't be surprise because she wasn't meant to have a family. She just wasn't family material. The only family she'd had ever known was Christina, Izzie, George, and Alex. And Derek, well, she used to have Derek. That…was her family. Five people. Six? Meredith cleared her throat.

"It's Meredith." _Not fucking __Meriel_.

"Oh," Lexie giggled. "Do you know her?"

"Yeah, sort of." It was somewhat true. The last few months Meredith barely knew herself anymore. She kept surprise herself. Over and over again.

"Oh, hmm. So anyway, why are you so upset?"

"I would rather not talk about it if that's fine with you."

"Oh, yeah that's fine. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you just want to talk or something?"

Meredith brushed away the last of her tears. "Talking is fine."

Mer began to wonder if maybe she could get along with Lexie and get past the fact that Thatcher left her fatherless and raised Lexie and Molly instead of staying to be her father. Lexie rambled on about anything and everything but as much as Meredith tried to listen her main focus was Derek. She just kept blaming herself for him being in the crash. If she hadn't told him it was over he would have been at her house last night, well mostly likely been at her house.

"So how about that crash?" Lexie murmured.

"Wh…What?" Tears threatened her eyes again.

"The crash on the highway. It was bad. Really bad. My patient died. I heard another one died too."

Meredith thought she was falling, once again. Only 4 people were brought to the hospital. All the rest died at the scene. That meant five of seven died. Dead, actually stopped breathing. Leaving two survivors. Two. Odds were against Derek. She couldn't breathe. It felt like something was crushing her abdomen and she was squeezing her lungs of everything she has left. Which was little. So very little. _Everything is gonna__ to__ be alright. Everything is gonna__ to__ be alright. Everything is gonna__ to be alright. Be strong. Believe._ He is fine. Fine. Fine, she told herself.

"Derek." She whispered.

"Huh?"

"Ah, nothing. What were their names?"

"Umm, my patients name was Ikaan Sandiu. The other was Stu Erickson."

"Ok, ok, good. Good…not good but..ah…yeah...ok…thanks?"

"Are you sure you're okay, um what's your name?"

"I have to go. I have to check on," She swallowed hard. "Someone. I. I. I got to go."

Just then the door flew open and Addison's body stood there in the way of Meredith only exit. Meredith swiftly rubbed her bloodshot eyes to try and hid the evidence she had been crying. Addi cleared her throat.

"Meredith?"

Lexie's eyes grew and looked at her sister, she looked shaken.

"Meredith?" Lexie echoed.


	3. Dare You To Move

**So this chapter is the reason why this story is rated M. I don't know if it will be to much but I will post it anyway. But don't tell me I didn't tell y'all. Enjoy!**

**P.S. Wasn't that break-up sex on Thursday so...McHot!?**

Chapter 3

"Dare you to move"

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before

"Meredith?" Addison repeated. Echoing through the room…or maybe it was just echoing Meredith's ears…she couldn't be sure.

Lexie's eyes pierced Meredith's back. She could fell it. Burning a hole through her skin. Penetrating. Deeper and deeper as the silence expanded in the room. It was quiet but not silent. Meredith's wristwatch ticked tallying each and every second as they retreated into oblivion. Into nothingness. Rain splattered on the window in a lulling drumbeat. Meredith eyes stung, but she bit back, bit back so fiercely her face started to pain. _Everything is gonna__ be alright. Be strong. Believe._

She couldn't quite understand why she all of a sudden had a build up of tears in her tears. But she did. She thought she stopped it. Stopped the waterfall. And well, quite clearly she hadn't, stopped the waterfall. She needed to get out of there. She couldn't deal with this. Couldn't deal with the fact Derek was open on an OR table. Open, cut open, with hands inside of him. Bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. She just couldn't do this. She wasn't the strong one, contrary to popular belief. She just wasn't. She wasn't strong _now,_ not at this moment. Even with the dead mommy and dead fake mommy. Even with the father that didn't love her or care about her, with all that she had dealt with before, there was nothing familiar about this. Unfamiliar. She had never had a boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, whatever, in mortal danger.

"Uh yes, Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith finally said.

"I was looking for you. You left Derek's room in a bit of a rush."

"Derek." Lexie managed to squeeze in.Meredith felt like glaring at Lexie. But she didn't. She had to retain herself from lashing out because that wouldn't get her any closer to being alone. Which, she wanted so badly to be at the moment. She wanted people to leave her alone. To stop staring at her. She wanted to break down in privacy.

"What do you want Addison?" Meredith snapped. Addison stepped back as if Meredith's words had pushed her. Or maybe now she got the hint that Meredith didn't want to talk. She wanted privacy. Why was it so hard?

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"No, I'm not!_ It's_ not okay!" Not. Fine. Un. Fine.

She wanted out. She just deal. She pushed Addison freeing herself from the gazes. She felt claustrophobic from being in that room for so long. She felt like she was going to get sick. Full out sick. And she couldn't breathe. Or calm down.

She walked to the basement tunnel where her 'family' would hide, study, unwind. Or in Meredith's case, cry. She rounded the corner, still looking at her shoes. It wasn't until she almost hit the hospital beds that she looked up. Christina was sitting there her head in her hands.

"Cris." Meredith said with some shock in her scratchy voice.

"Mer," Christina muttered finally looking up. "I heard about…I'm sorry."

Meredith looked up into Christina's almond shaped eyes. There were serious, and outlined with fear, and worry. Fear of Burke. Worry for Burke. Meredith thanked god for having Christina because she knew what it was like to be in this kind of situation. Because of Burke being shot. She thanked god that she had a shoulder to lean on when she wanted and needed. She scooted closer to Christina, doing just that, leaning on her friend. Resting her head on her shoulder and wrapping an arm around her.

_You realize this constitutes hugging._

_  
Shut up, you're my person._

They both stayed motionless. Enjoying the company, the comfort of another body. Christina was the first to break the welcomed silence.

"On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?" Christina asked.

"Nine."

* * *

___Derek nuzzled the back of her neck as he spooned her in her bed. __Their bed._

___"How __was__ you interview?"__ Meredith murmured. _

___"Not great. It wasn't great. I was distracted."__ Derek replied. _

___Meredith rolled over in the bed to face him. His face was shaded with disappointment. __Dark circles __hung under his midnight blue eyes. Something was wearing him down, to be this tired looking. _

___"By what?"__ She placed her __hand __on his face gently rubbing __it __ against__ his prickly cheek._

___"Nothing.__ I don't know."_

___"On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?"_

___"Eight."_

___Meredith's lips came crashing down on his for a quick t__easing kiss._

___"How about now?"__ S__he cooed seductively. _

___"Seven."_

___She kissed him again,__ this time longer then the previous one. She rolled on__ top of him so she was straddling__ his hips. __Slightly rolling her hips against him._

___"Now?"_

___"__Six." _

___Again she kissed him letting her tongue explore his mouth._

___"Five," __He said as s__he placed another kiss on his moist lips as he rolled on top of her, "Four," His lips covered hers for another quickie, "Three," Kiss, "__Two." She planted another one on__ his lips__ running her tongue along his lips. He tried to say 'one' but it sounded more like a moan as it escaped his throat. He slightly parted his lips allowing Meredith's tongue to play with his. She ran her tongue along his teeth. They both broke the kiss gasping for air. Derek looked at her with a mischievous seductive grin that said 'I want you.' Meredith could fell his erection pressing against her thigh. She started to roll her hips against the bulge in his pants. _

___"Mer."__ He moaned._

___She took full advantage of him being distracted and rolled him over so she was on top. Derek looked at her, half surprised at her actions. _

___She looked at him voluptuously as she licked her lips to moisten them. She took hold of her shirt hem and lifted it over her head dropping it next to her on__ the bed. She reached behind herself__ and unclasped her black lace bra freeing her milky white breasts. Derek reached up to take them into his hands, rubbing his thumbs over the nipples, __making them __harden at the touch. A moan escaped her lips as she let__ her__ head fall back._

___"Derek__…" She hissed. _

___She leaned down,__ kissing him deeply letting their tongues dance. It sent chills down her spine__ stopped at her clit__. As she broke the kiss, she slid down his body, planting kisses on any bare __skin along the way. She lifted __his shirt, savoring the view of his tense chest muscles. His chest glistened with small beads of sweat, from what Mer had already put him through. She let out a soft chuckle then running her hands up and down it. Her glare was focused on his eyes which were cloudy with desire._

___Meredith let __her willowy fingers play with the__ wristband__ of his pants__, pulling them down lower and lower. With one last tug she freed him of __all __his confinements. She dipped her head down allowing her hair to spill over his__ hips. Her tongue darted out on__to the head of his penis touching him for only __a __second then drawing back. She brushed a lone strand of her honey coloured hair across his erection, causing him to moan. He grabbed her hair into his fists forcing her down on him. She took his whole length into her month. Her hand gripped him at the base, holding as much as she could. She sent shivers through his spine. Incredible sensations were shooting through him. She kept her eyes on his, watching him as she fully engulfed him. _

___"Mer."__ He moaned. _

___He wanted__ it__ now, he wanted it hard and he knew she would too, she always wanted it hard._

___"Mer, please.__ Please. __Now."__ He barely got all of it out of his mouth. She was making it hard for him to __speak__. All he could do was talk in short monosyllabic sentences laced with need and want. His heart was beating fast. And his breath__s soon became hot pants __as it filled the air._

___As hard as he tried, and he tried hard damn it, his orgasm washed over him, and he spilled himself it to Mer's hot mouth. She swallowed as much as she could, because she loved the taste of him. Licking her lips she slid back up his body maneuvering __herself__ between his legs. He still stayed limp from the after-shock of his orgasm. His eyes wandered down her body to where her hand was settled. His eyes were fixated on her. __Her touching herself.__ He swallowed hard. She was making him hard just watching her pleasure herself. Every so often a light moan escaped her lips. He knew she was close because she was pumping her hand fasters, moaning harder. And soon it became all too much. He inched closer rubbing the head of his cock against her opening. Her eyes flew open and looked down at Derek. She didn't hesitate, she pulled her fingers out, and not even two seconds later Derek slammed into her. She let out a scream when he slammed himself inside of her very wet, tight pussy. He pulled out as far as he could then __slamming__ back into her, evoking screams of pleasure from her._

___"Harder Derek."__ She begged breathlessly. __Again he went in then out, at a fast tempo. She was going to make him cum just from hearing her scream and yell. _

___"Oh Mer.__ Do you like that?"_

___"Oh god, yes Derek."_

___"Yes what, Mer? What is it you like?" _

___"You. __Fucking me.__ Like this...hard."_

___He was going steadily, in and out. __Deep and Hard.__ She was building up to her peak. _

___"Cum for me, Meredith."__ He ordered her, still slamming into her._

___He instantly felt her clench around him but he still kept going. __In and out.__ She screamed so hard, as her orgasm hit its peak. _

___He was so deep inside __of __her now, shooting streams of his seed into her. __Meredith fell on to his sticky chest, immobile from the pleasure Derek had just __given __her. His hand light__ly__ stroked her back as she continued to catch her breath. _

___"I love you." They said in unison, into the hot musky scented air after they both fell from their orgasms. It reverberated in the room as Derek held Meredith close in his arms as they both drifted into a deep sleep._

* * *

"Meredith!" Christina yelled.

"What?"

"I was beginning to think you were in shock."

"I was just lost in thought, that's all."

"Shepherd's going to be fine." Alex said coming around the corner.

"Evil Spawn, this is a female conversation so in less you grew a uterus and boobs over night, go away. Go wrestle something. Scram."

Meredith couldn't help but let a laugh roll out of her throat. Christina was still Christina, even though, Burke… made a U-turn at the alter. Even though she was slightly broken. Slightly dark and twisty.

"Someone took a bitter pill this morning."

"Alex! Go away!" Meredith said stepping in. Knowing that wasn't called for, considering…yesterday's events. Christina was aloud to be bitter and pissed off. So of course she took a bitter pill this morning, her fiancée broke their wedding off. At the church. Bitter and pissed off was aloud.

"Fine, I'm going."

They waiting until Alex was out of sight before continuing their talk.

"Evil Spawn is right, McDreamy's going to be okay."

"I know. I know. I keep telling myself that," She paused and looked at the ceiling. "But."

"But what?"

Meredith sighed. She had never told anybody this, she was afraid of what people would think…

"You can't call me crazy, got it?"

Christina looked at her puzzled. She swung her legs on to the hospital bed and crossed them so she could fully face Meredith. Christina came to the conclusion that whatever Meredith had to say, it was going to be worth fully listening to. She blinked impatiently and rested her chin on her hand.

"Okay."

Meredith let out a deep breathe. _You can do this Mer_, she told herself, _You. Can. Do. This_.

"When I died, I went to this place, it was the hospital but darker. I guess it was an afterlife or something. And Bonnie from the train wreck was there, and my mom's old scrub nurse was there-"

"Oh, her, I hate her, I really wanted to do that whipple."

Meredith couldn't help but smile. Christina was holding up so well to her crappy situation. The Burke situation. She was still being Christina. Surgery-hungry, surly Christina. Something inside Meredith wished she could hold up like Christina was. Instead of crying, over and over again. Frowning over and over again. But then again, their situations were different. So different.

"Anyway, Doc was there too. And Dylan and Denny-"

"Wait, Izzie's Denny, Denny?"

"Mmhmm. I was fine with being there, I don't know why now, but I was. So I didn't fight, again I don't know why I didn't. I just didn't. It wasn't until Denny started talking about Izzie and how much he missed her and how he wished he could just see her, touch her. It wasn't until he said that…that I got thinking. About Derek. I didn't want to be like Denny, only wishing. I wanted to live, and not wish to. So I fought. I fought like hell. For Derek. And now, I don't want Derek to not fight because he thinks he had nothing to fight for."

They both fell into a deep silence. Christina swung her legs back over the bed and got up and started to walk away. Meredith was confused, was it something she said? Something she did?

"Where are you going?" Meredith finally asked.

Christina stopped and turned to looked at Meredith. She just looked at her. Staring. Thinking. Blink, blink, blink. Christina started to walk away again, deciding she didn't want to tell her. In fear of crying. But she stopped. And looked at her friend again, who looked puzzled. Bowing her head she finally answer.

"I don't want to only wish. I'm going to fight."


	4. Heaven Help Us

**I am soo sorry for not updating earlier, my computer crashed and I had to send it in to get fixed. I will try not to let this happen again. Anyway, Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 4  
"Heaven Help Us" 

Hear the sound  
The angels come screaming  
Down your voice  
I hear you've been bleeding

Make your choice  
They say you've been pleading  
Someone save us

Heaven help us now  
Come crashing down  
We'll hear the sound  
As you're falling down

I'm at this old hotel  
But can't tell if  
I've been breathing or sleeping  
Or screaming or waiting for the man to call  
And maybe all of the above  
Cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps  
While spitting out the blood and screaming  
"Someone save us!"

Heaven help us now  
Come crashing down  
We'll hear the sound  
As you're falling down

And will you pray for me?  
Or make a saint of me?  
And will you lay for me?  
Or make a saint of?

Meredith sat there even long after Christina was gone. She kept playing her 'afterdeath' experience in her head. Over and over.

_Am I... dead?_

_Damn right you are._

She kept asking herself why didn't I fight. Why didn't I fight in the water. Why didn't I fight to stay alive. Instead of waiting until the last minute to.

_I was swimming. I was fighting. Then I thought 'What's the point?' And then I let go I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody._

Why hadn't I fought for Derek's sake, she asked herself. He loved me. He really loved me.

_Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him exists? He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. He's waiting for you. And if you don't come from this, you will change who he is._

She shook her head. She glanced down at her watch.

"What?" she muttered. She couldn't believe her eyes. She blinked, clearing her eyes, hoping, wishing, her eyes were playing tricks on her but the time remained the same. It had only been 43 minutes. 2580 seconds had made their journey into oblivion. That. Was. It. What could she do to occupy her time? To get her mind off him? Which was a joke because anything and everything she did at this moment remind her of Derek. Derek, Derek, Derek. Tears pricked her eyes but she tried. Hard. To told them back. _Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe._

She got up and started wandering down the halls heading in no particular direction or location. Condolences swarmed her from all directions as the gossip leaked through the hospital walls. The whirl of words became way to much, she wanted to gravitate back to the basement hallway. She wanted out of the hospital and that is when it hit her. She knew what to do. But. It wasn't going to keep her mind off of him. No way in hell. But. On the other hand, it would waste a good hour, and she would be away from the hospital. Double Bonus.

She sped up her pace, she had to find Addison. To ask her for a favor.

The I'm sorry's and he'll be fine's continued to spill out of the mouths of co-workers ultimately making her nauseous. Meredith wondered if there wasn't a single soul that didn't know Derek was badly hurt. McDreamy's McHurt. Poor McDreamy.

She lightly knocked on Addison's door. She looked at her shoes, hiding her face from the people who passed her by. She knocked again, this time harder then the previous one. _Maybe she didn't hear me_, Meredith thought. She looked up suddenly when no one said 'Come in' or 'It's open' or anything to acknowledge there was someone at the door. The door didn't read 'Addison Montgomery. Head of OB-GYN'. Meredith glanced around asking herself if she was at the right office. She knew she was because her favourite dirty ex-mistress' office was across the hall.

Meredith tried Addison's door, it was unlocked. Pushing the door open, she found nothing. It was empty. Deserted. Uninhabited. There was no sign that Addison or anybody for that matter was using this…this empty space for an office. Meredith was beyond confused. She couldn't make any sense of this…emptiness. Where was Addison? She sauntered across the hall and knocked on Mark's door.

"Come in." Mark yelled in a monotone voice.

He looked up at Meredith when she came in. He looked as bad as she did. Puffy eyes, outlined with the colour red, and remnants of tears. It was a new look for Mark, who Meredith thought didn't show much emotion. Flirty, arrogant, and confident was about the only emotions ever Mark showed.

"You been crying too Mer?" He said gesturing to the couch against the wall. He got up and walked towards the couch. He was the first to sit. Plunking his body down with a huff. Meredith followed suit and sat down with him. "I'm sorry to hear about what happened to Derek." He continued.

She was sick of the sorry's. It wasn't their fault that Derek's insides were bleeding out. Was it?! Enough already, she felt like saying but she knew they were just trying to be kind, they didn't know it wasn't helping. They didn't know that every time they said it a single tear rolled down her porcelain face.

"Thanks," she managed to say. "Um, Mark, where's Addison? Her office is empty." Full of nothingness. Full of this confusing…emptiness.

Mark turned his face Meredith. His face was colorless. His eye's were cloudy with misery. And then Meredith thought maybe, she didn't want to hear it anymore, maybe it would be another blow to the face with a two by four.

"So you haven't heard?"

No, she definitely didn't want to hear this anymore, she couldn't handle more bad news, more surprises. Maybe it was better left alone. Hidden away from Meredith. Locked away. Don't not open until...

"No. Heard what Mark?"

He bowed his head, resting his head in his hands.

"She's leaving. She's. Leaving." Mark answer biting back tears. He loved Addison, but she was going, miles away from him. Again. It hurt the first time, but it hurt more the second.

"Leaving?"

"Leaving Seattle. Leaving Washington. Leaving me behind."

"What?"

"She's going to L.A. She's taking a job in L.A."

"But, I just saw her. In Derek's room."

"She's leaving tomorrow morning."

Meredith was dumbfounded. Why all of a sudden? And why L.A.?

"Oh, Mark. I'm sorry."

"She says she's 39 and alone. But she isn't alone, she has me. I've always loved her. She doesn't have to be alone, but she chooses to be. I love her. And I would never leave her, or hurt her."

Meredith just sat there, she had never heard this side of Mark before. The actually loving side of Mark. The one who really cared about people. For minutes they just sat there. Mark kept his hand in his hands. Meredith rested her hand on his thigh gently rubbing back and forth. It wasn't a sexually gesture by any means, it was friendly, supportive. Meredith got up after a few more minutes.

"Mark, I'm so sorry, but I have to go. I have a thing to do."

"Okay." He mumbled, most inaudible.

She turned to talk towards the door but then turned back to Mark. She lifted his head out of his hands and kissed his forehead. His eyes opened. He looked up, his blue eyes looking deep into her green eyes.

"It'll be okay." She murmured as she brushed his cheek with her thumb. She stood, and walked out the door closing it gently behind her.

* * *

She wandered the halls looking for Nurse Olivia. She had to ask her for favor. She had spent the last four and half minutes looking for her. And didn't have any great success. Just then she saw the red-head strolling out of a patients room. 

"Olivia!" Meredith called out.

"Yes, Dr. Grey?"

"Can I ask you for a favor."

"I guess so."

"Can you please page me when Derek is out of surgery?"

"Dr. Shepherd? Oh yes, I can do that." She paused, looking at Meredith. "I am sorry by the way." And that single tear slid down her face. Meredith bowed her head and walked away.

* * *

Meredith decided not to take the highway to get home. It would have been a bad idea quite frankly. She would have drove right past…the spot. Of the accident. She would see the broken glass, bent metal, and seeing that, she would have caused an accident of her own. Because her heart would stop, her eyes would shut, tears would roll, it just wasn't a good idea. 

She felt guilty being away from the hospital when Derek was in surgery but she was trying to cope. She decided she would go home to get clothes for Derek, some shampoo, some…whatever.

Twenty minutes later she has parked her car was parked in the driveway of her house. She rested her head on the steering wheel and let out a sigh. "It's fine." She mumbled to herself.

_We lie to ourselves because the truth…the truth freakin' hurts._

She looked down at her clothes, she had forgotten to change. But it really didn't matter, considering the circumstances. Considering Derek…considering the surgery. And along with that, she hadn't told anyone were she was going. She hadn't stopped. Bottom line.

Meredith allowed herself a few minutes. To freak-out. Just break down. Just…crumble. Derek, he's fine. He is fine. They'd caught before it got bad. Worst. He was fine, she told herself.

_Everyone's a liar._

She wiped away her tears, blinked and shut her car off.

* * *

She'd remained relatively calm while she packed his things into a slightly abused over-night bag. She'd hope it would fit everything he would need for the days after...the surgery. 

And it had.

She packed plenty of things. She was surprised at the size of the bag. She was able to pack a weeks worth of comfortable clothes. Warm clothes. Cool clothes. Derek clothes. She was really clueless on what he would want. What do you pack for someone who bleeding out inside. Who would have multiple organ failure if he kept bleeding out if no one saved him. And then in that moment she thought she was falling. She tried to breathe. Long. And slow. And calming. She kept moving, she had to finish the task at hand. She sighed and continued to pack.

Slippers. Boxers. Socks. Aftershave. Razor. Shampoo…shampoo. There was no shampoo. None. It was on the shopping list. She remembered now. She would have bought some sooner but he hadn't slept there in…days. She would have to pick some up, later. Soap. Toothpaste. Toothbrush. She pondered on the thought of what was she supposed to pack for him to entertain himself. Crosswords? His iPod? She grabbed both.

She wandered down the stairs to the computer. She decided she would download some movies to put on his iPod. She racked her brain thinking of good 'Derek' movies to download.

She finally made up her mind with _Moonlight Mile, Knocked Up_, and _Live Free or Die Hard_. It was most definitely diverse. She told herself it was for whatever mood he was in. Drama, Comedy or Action. She plugged the iPod in the computer and let her eyes dose. Images flashed behind closed eye lids. Meredith remembered the night before night before. Remembered the flashbacks, the thoughts. Mostly the thoughts, the thoughts of…him. Why did she have to have to think that? That Derek was dying.

_You had to say you're going to die today._

_I told you._

Dying and she hadn't told him how she felt. Why? Why did she have to do that? She felt as if it was her thoughts that had gotten them to this point. She glanced at her watch, feeling pissed of that she still had an hour at least to wait. She was truly sick of waiting and not knowing.

_Whoever said 'What you don't know can't hurt you,' was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world._

She glimpsed back at the computer. What to do? What to do? Email. Check the email. She would check her email. And his.

She had no new emails. Which was, well not surprising. She hardly had any emails. Ever since, Susan and Ellis had died. She sighed and logged on to Derek's email. Five new emails. Of course he had more emails. Of course he had emails at all. He was department head at a big metropolis hospital, not intern. He had more friends. He had an actual family. Resulting in, more emails. More everything.

She told herself not to open anything that was personal, because she didn't know how he would take it. You know, her being his…ex. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. He wouldn't like this. Most guys don't like there ex's traipsing through their emails. Meredith dragged the cursor to the log out button when something caught her eye. Jennifer Shepherd. This, this got Meredith's attention. She hovered the cursor over the open button. It was tempting. Too tempting. She cursed the voice in her head that said _Open it. Open it_. And finally that voice, and her curiously got the best of her.

Hey Der,

Long time no see! So how is life in Seattle? Nancy told us you live in a trailer. And you fish. We were shocked, that doesn't sound like you. She also said the intern is the exact opposite of Addison. It's like your someone else, your doing the opposite of what you would have done in Manhattan. Jeez, Der, Mark and Addison really messed you up! You're a flannel-wearing wood-chopping fisherman. I barely know my brother anymore. My kids barely know their uncle. I hate to give you shit on your rash decisions but what do you expect? You just pick up your life one night and move it all the way across the country without a warning, without notice. You missed Christmas and Thanksgiving. I just want to see my brother. I miss him. Give me a call Derek. And if you don't? I will personally come out there and kick your ass!  
Love always,  
Jen

Meredith felt sick. Full out sick.

_Allow me to choke back some McVomit._

Just the thought of Derek in the shape he was in and his family didn't know, made her sick. Sick and sad. Sad and sick. She didn't know about their son, their brother, their uncle. It was sicken. Horribly sicken.

She hit the print button, unplugged his iPod, shut off the computer, grabbed everything and headed for the door.

* * *

She arrived at the hospital an hour and half later. She had stopped off at Wal-Mart to get Derek's shampoo. She picked up a magazine for herself to kept herself amused well Derek slept or rested. The whole time she dragged through the store people stared. Their eyes piercing her skin like razor sharp knives. Just glaring at her eyes, puffy and red. Glaring at the black lines that streaked her face. Glaring at her tear stained scrubs. Glaring. 

She got out of her beat-up Jeep and made her way into the hospital. The rain poured on her, soaking her. Thunder rolled through the air and lightning lit up the black sky. Meredith took her time getting inside, hoping the rain would wash way the black streaks on her face. Wash away her misery. Her pain. She was dripping head to toe by the time she walked into the corridors of the hospital. She hoped no one would confront her on leaving. Hoped no one notice she was missing.

_Makes you think, if I went missing would anyone notice._

She walked to the locker room with her head down. She didn't want people to see her face. No, instead she watched her soaked Converse. Listening to the slawshing sound they made when she stepped. She didn't realize that she was inches away from smashing into a body. In three. Two. One…

"Oh, sorry." Meredith said without looking up.

"Um, yeah, me too." The man replied. She knew that voice. She knew it. All. To. Well.

_I don't wanna, wanna, see you…I don't wanna hear from you and I do not want you._

She looked up._ Fuck_, she thought. _Why today and__ why now?_

"Meredith." Thatcher spoke.

"Ah, you! I don't want to talk to you!"

"Meredith, are you okay?"

The man, slaps Meredith two days ago and now he wanted to ask if she is okay? The nerve. No of course she wasn't okay. She lost her fake mommy days before, her father slapped her, Christina's happily-ever after didn't happen, and now, Derek. Derek was in moral danger. So, no, she wasn't okay. She was far from fucking okay.

"You lost the right to care about me. You lost the right to be my father!"

She glared at him, then walked away. Now even more people were staring at her.

"Great. Just freakin' great." She said under her breath.

Just then her pager went off and startled her. She really had to come down. Just. Chill. Out. She took the pager off the clip hanging on her scrub pants. Her hands shook. Uncontrollable. She thought she was going to drop her pager if she didn't stop shaking. She felt hot. Hot from the staring, hot from the frustration, hot from worrying. Hot from so many things. Her blurry eyes glanced down at the pager.

'He's out. RR21.'

A small smile creased her face.

"Hold that elevator!"

* * *

**Please support your local Cancer Society by making a donation. Every cent counts! Nobody deserves to have cancer, help find a cure today.**


	5. Fighting

**Authors Note: Well, where to begin...? First of all, I'm very sorry for not updating in what feels like years. I know, I probably lost all my fans, but I have decided to continue to write the story and finish it. I was just so busy with school and hockey that I never had anytime to post new chapters :( I would like to thank my best friend, Beckiie, for inspiring me to continue to write this story, so I am dedicate this chapter to her. Love you babe. **

**Hope you enjoy the new chapter y'all!  
Thanks **

* * *

Chapter 5 

"Fighting"

What am I fighting for,  
There must me something more,  
For all these words I sing,  
Do you feel anything

What am I fighting for,  
What am I fighting for

Never give up on this,  
Never give up on this,  
Never give up on this,  
Never give up on this

Said I'm ok but I know how to lie,  
But I will never give up, no I'll never give up

What am I fighting for,  
There must me something more,  
For all these words I sing,  
Do you feel anything

What am I fighting for (No I'm never gonna give up, give up)  
What am I fighting for (No I'm never gonna give up, give up)

Said that I'd fight for the one that I've found,  
I'm gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around,  
I fight you're a part of me now,  
And I will never give up, no I'll never give up

Christina Yang is a doer. A doer. Getting while the getting is good. This is what she did. Christina Yang is a doer and that is why she was standing outside of the chief's office. She had her hand in mid air, about the knock on the door, when it opened. And he stood there. Not he, Dr. Webber, but he…Preston Xavier Burke. Christina froze. Her mouth hung open. She had thought of the moment when she would talk to him, if she ever spoke to him again, but she forgot. Forgot everything. Christina Yang _was_ a doer.

* * *

Meredith found herself running through the hospital again in this day. The day being the worst day of her life. She was running to the same person. Derek. She was running to Derek. 

Her lungs ached. Her feet ached. Her heart ached. Her whole damn body ached. Burned. Pained. She ran through halls, beyond halls, beyond halls. She felt like she was running on the spot. She felt like she was dreaming. Dreaming one of those bad dreams where someone or something is chasing you but you're stuck. On the spot. But your legs are moving, trying, trying so hard to run. Trying.

It wasn't soon before she was standing outside of Recovery Room 21. Olivia was standing in the room with another nurse and a doctor. The other nurse Meredith didn't know. She didn't even look vaguely familiar. But the doctor on the other hand, looked slightly familiar, but she didn't know his name. She didn't dare look at Derek. She was too frightened. Too scared. Too many things. Too many emotions. She was used to only one emotion at a time. Either pissed off, mad, sad, or slightly happy. The joy of being dark and twisty.

The doctor started walking over to Meredith, and that is when she got the chance to look at Derek. His eyes were closed, his face looked pale. He didn't look like Derek. He had a huge gash across his forehead and other minor cuts on his face. The redness of the cuts was about the only colour on his face. An intravenous line dripped meds and fluids into his left forearm. A heart monitor was clipped to his middle finger on his left side. It beeped in a slow steady rhythm.

"Dr. Grey, I'm Dr. Bischoff, but you can call me Markus if you would please." Dr. Bischoff announced, diverting Meredith's attention to him and off Derek.

"Okay," She paused and stole a quick glanced at Derek. "How is he?"

"He is doing great. The surgery went very well. We controlled the bleed, so he should be just fine now. Although the hematoma was not his only injury. He has a mild concussion, whiplash, a two inch gash across his forehead above his eyebrow on the right side. And of course, assorted bumps and bruises."

"Okay," She took a deep breath, feeling somewhat relieved. "How long will it be until he will be transferred back to his room on four?"

"A couple of hours. We just want to make sure everything is okay. It won't be as long as some surgeries because this was a minor procedure. If anything was to happen, it would happen in the next hour, but surely you know that…I feel stupid for-"

"No, its okay. I asked. I should know but I am just so worried, I wasn't really thinking as a doctor. I was thinking as a worried girlfriend." Ex-Girlfriend.

"Mmm."

Meredith shifted from one foot to the other, unable to think of what to say next to Dr. Bischoff.

"I know this really isn't on topic but weren't you on the elevator this morning with, oh what is her name…" Dr. Bischoff piped up. And then it all clicked into place. Now Meredith knew who it was. It was the young doctor from the elevator that morning. Interesting…sort of.

"Dr. Yang. Yeah, that was me." She ended the sentence with a frown. Her mood changed, it did a total 360. An ached formed in her stomach, and a question in her throat burned to make its escape. "May, I. Can I go in there? With him?" She knew it was a 'no' because it was against the regulations but she hoped they would let her in. Bend the rules for one of their own. Bend the rules for her.

"You know I can't do that Dr. Grey."

"I know. Can I at least say something to him; I will only be a minute. I have to…I need to. Please?"

"I guess, it will be fine."

"Thank you, really, thank you."

She stepped forward hesitantly. She took a deep breath. Breathe. Breathe in. Breath out.

_You get points for breathing in and out._

She walked over to his bed, picking up his hand. Caressing it with her thumb.

"I am sorry, I am so sorry. I love you, and I am here now. Here for good. I'm not going to stop fighting, not again. I was stupid. I depended on Christina to walk down the aisle because I believed if Burke and Christina made it and they had their happily-ever-after that we could make it. We could have our happily-ever-after. I needed hope. Hope that happy endings do happen in real life and not just in fairy tales. So I'm sorry. And I do love you. I know I don't always show it, but I do love you Derek Shepherd."

She kissed his cold lips and started to let his hand go, but before she did, he squeezed her hand. It wasn't a hard squeeze, it was so weak that she doubted she felt it. She thought maybe it was her mind playing tricks on her. But even if it wasn't real, her heart still melted and she asked herself, had he heard it all? Had he? She squeezed his hand back before gently letting go. She didn't want to let go, because she promised herself that when she had him again, she would never let him go; but she had to, she couldn't be here. She spun on her heels and started to walk out the door, as she passed Olivia she whispered, "Page me when you move him." She paused. "Please."

Meredith was mid-way down the hall when her pager went off.

'Meet me in basement hall.'

A soft sigh escaped her lips. She really hadn't done any work today but somehow she didn't care. She just hoped no one had noticed her absence in all this. She hoped her interns weren't doing something stupid. Her feet started to move again, this time in the direction of the basement hallway.

* * *

A quiet weep echoed through the hallway. Meredith quickened her pace as the sound filled her ears. She knew it was Christina. Weeping Christina. 

"Christina," Meredith said running over to her friend, grabbing one of her hands, she continued, "What's wrong. Are you okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong Christina?"

"I can't," Sniffle, "Tell," Sniffle, "You."

"Yes, you can Christina. It's okay. I can keep a secret. I kept the tremor secret. Right?"

"Yeah," Silence. Dead Silence. The only noise was the rhythm of their breaths. And the odd sniffle from Christina. "Yeah."

* * *

_"You watched his hands all through surgery. You knew." Derek said with his back to Meredith as they laid in bed. _

_"I can't say __anything,__ the__re are things Christina told me. S__he's my friend, I can't say anything."_

_"No, no that is not how this works. How could you kno__w__, or suspect and not even tell me__?"_

_"You cleared him for surgery Derek. How did you not know? You can't be angry with me. She'__s my best friend, right or wrong,__ she…" Meredith stopped, afraid that what she would have said next would hurt him. _

_But it was the truth._

_"What?"_

_Meredith took a deep breath. "She was there when you weren't."_

_Derek rolled over to face Meredith. It hurt. Really hurt. But it was the truth, no matter know much it hurt. Meredith inched closer to him when he rolled over, grabbing his hand. Derek rubbed her face with one hand and held he__r hand with the other. Their li__ps came crashing down on each other. Meredith shifted her body and rolled her body on __to his.__ Her tongue roamed his mouth, wanting the kiss to be so much __more __deeper__. They haven't kissed like this in days. It felt so good and neither one of them wanted to stop this bliss. _

_"So, we aren't taking it slow anymore?" Derek asked breathlessly. _

_"No, Dr. Shepherd, we aren't." Meredith __said __seductively. _

_She gave him the green light. He tugged her shirt off her sexy slim body, then kissing her fiercely and deeply. They needed this bad._

_Meredith could feel his erection pressing against her naked stomach. She looked__ a__t him, her eyes a bright green,__ full of lust,__ which __was __ so__ sexy. Licking her lips she could still feel the sweet taste Derek. She smiled and unhooked her satin bra. Derek captured a nipple wit__h__ his mouth and a soft moan escaped her moist lips. She was a prisoner. His prisoner. He darted his tongue across to the other nipple and proceeded to give the same attention to it, as he had given to its swollen partner. _

_"Derek." She moaned._

_He stopped. Abruptly stopped. He looked in to her eyes. __A mischievous grin formed upon his face._

_"You are going to pay for making me wait, babe."He said as he tugged his shirt of. _

_He rolled her over so he was on top, teasing her body by planting kissed on her skin, slowly pulling down her pants. Once he had them around her ankles, she was grasping and pulling at his silky sexy curls. He pushed himself down her body, yanking her panties down. He pushed her legs open. Sh__e was already dripping wet. _

_"Ga__awd, you're so wet babe."_

_His tongue brushed against her clit. She arched her back in response. __His tongue lapped up the sweetness that was seeping from her. He started to lick the inside of her thigh, each lick was long and wet. All Meredith could think about was how much she wanted his tongue where she ached for it the most. _

_"Uhh, __Derrrekkk__ Please.__" She__ begged__, still grabbing at his hair._

_"I love it when you beg." He responded. _

_He grabbed her ass and brought her closer to his mouth. His tongue traced her lips before he brought a hand up on her thigh, slowly inching it closer to her swollen wet lips. _

_"Derek, please. Please baby."_

_He laughed lightly, sending __small puffs of warm breath on her moist skin__. He shoved two fingers deep into her. The muscles instantly tightening around his fingers. __He stroked her tightening walls__, knowing she liked it from the noises she was making. He withdrew his fingers and all the attention he was giving her. His eyes locked on hers. They were begging. Begging for more. More, more, more. She was whimpering now, pulling hard at his hair. _

_"Please Derek. Oh god, please.__ Please. Derek.__"__ She begged endlessly._

_He let out a soft chuckle. He licked his lips seductively, still tasting the taste of her juices. He loved the way she tasted. Sweet, like honey._

_"Mmm, Mer you taste so wonderful. So delicious. May I have more?"_

_"Derek. Please."__He roughly pushed two fingers into her beyond moist pussy. She let out a scream. Roughly pushing in and out earning him more screams of pressure. _

_"Oh god. Derek. Derek. Derek! Fuck Derek, fuck me Derek." She chanted. Again and again. _

_Her legs started to shak__e__ and she clung to his hair, riding his face and his fingers. She yelled and her whole body started to shake. Juices spilled on to Derek's face and hands. He kept going, roughly shoving his fingers in and out. In and out. Over and over __again. He knew if he kept going, she could, and would__ cum again. And sure enough she started again.__Clenching around his fingers_

_"Please, Der. Take," She paused unable to catch her breath or finish her sentence. "Me." She finished in a husky deep voice._

_He withdrew his fingers slowly, massaging her walls while doing so. He licked his fingers when they were fully out of her, enjoying her taste. _

_"Mmm so sweet and oh so good Dr. Grey." He announced with a wicked smirk __plastered__ on his face._

_He slid out of his pants. Meredith looked at the bulge that had formed in his boxers. Her eyes danced up his lean body wanting so bad to reach out an__d touch him__. Her eyes finally landed on his and she peered at him through her long lashes. The intensity of her gaze was making him hot, and making him hard then he__ already was__. All she had to do was breathe on him and it would send him into a blinding sense of arousal s__ending sparks of sexually need through his body that would make him fuck her harder then he ever dreamed of doing. He quickly took off his boxers, letting __his erection out into her glaze, h__er sensual glaze that was full of want and need. Need for him. Want for him. He crawled on to the bed so he was pinning her down under his weight, looking down on his beautiful girl. His lips captured hers, and his tongue ran across her lips begging for entrance to her hot mouth. Her lips opened a crack, teasing him, but he continued to run his tongue along her lips. Finally she surrendered herself to her lover allowing them to let their tongues dance as Derek's har__d prick bumped against her swollen pussy lips__. She l__et out a soft moan into Derek's mouth. __Derek broke the kiss and maneuvered himself fully between her legs. He lifted her legs over her head and entered her. She let a scream roll out of her throat. She was so wet and tight from all the attention he had __already given__ her. _

_He slammed hard into her. I__t was so hard to give her all that she wanted after this, because she always felt so good. He pulled back out and slammed into her again._

_"Harder, Derek." she moaned, her voice a raspy sob. _

_She was getting close he could feel it. __Inching closer. __And closer.__ She kept making deep throaty noises, breathing heavily, screaming louder. Her screams of pleasure were accompanied by loud deep grunts from him. __He wished they could stay like__ this, __in utter mindless fucking_.

_Her velvety pussy gripped around him, drenching him with her juice. She clenched around his hard cock. And then he let go, he came with her, fulling __her with his hot cum. _

_Her__ orgasm subsided and they just laid there. __Motionless.__ And Tired.__ But Derek couldn't help to have more. He wanted so much more._

_"Mer, turn around."_

_She did so, still breathing hard. He saw the lust flash in her eyes. One of his hands rested on her hip, the other guided his newly hard cock in to her dripping opening from behind, entering roughly. __He grabbed her hips tightly and began pushing in and out of her with short, brutal, hard strokes. He wondered if this was hurting her, but he was too far gone to care. And really this was payback for taking it slow. Seriously slow. But the screams escaping her tightly pressed lips was an indication that she too was lost in lust with him, enjoying every second. He quickened his pace with each thrust, going deeper and deeper with each one. The bed creaked in rhythm with each one of their thrusts. He grinned wickedly, knowing __neither George or__ Izzie would be getting any sleep with all the fucking they were doing. With one more thrust in to Meredith's tight box he felt her tighten around him. A loud scream echoed through the room as she __came hard. Her orgasm triggered his own, as his balls began to tighten. This degree of pleasure and lust filling his body was one he'd never felt before. But then again anything with Meredith was possible. _

_She dropped back on the bed, tired from all the earth-shattering orgasms she just experienced. Derek __laid__ down with her, rolling on to his side to look at his limp Meredith. He let out a soft chuckle as he rubbed her rosy cheek_

_"I told you you would pay."_

* * *

Meredith shook her head. She really needed to stop day-dreaming. 

"You're not listening to me again." Christina announced.

"Sorry. What were you saying?" Meredith questioned.

"Seriously?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I was day-dreaming."

"Oh, sorry to bore you."

"Christina…"

Meredith felt guilty to doze off on Christina and day-dream, especially at a time like this. Especially since she found her down her weeping

"Now, I was saying, before you decided to ignore me, I saw him. Burke. At the chief's office. And I froze. I couldn't say anything. I forgot everything I was going to say."

"What did he say?"

"You cannot tell anyone. Not Izzie. Not George. No one."

"Christina, I wouldn't, I won't."

Christina let out a hot, long breathe in to the quiet air. Meredith patiently awaited Christina's next words.

"Burke is transferring."

"Oh my god, where?"

"Seattle Presbyterian."

"So he'll still be here in Seattle?"

Christina nodded her hand.

"Mer, about what I said before. I lied before. I want to fight I do but how can I fight for something that isn't even there. Something that isn't real…"

"Christina, it is real. The love you two have for each other is real. Something like that can't chance over night."

"Well it did…it did." Christina said the last part almost not even audible to Meredith.

Meredith was left wondering. She had to be right. Right? Something like that can't change in the matter of what 18 hours? But then she thought, what about Derek and Addison? What about their love? What about that change? But it was different. Addison cheated. Burke didn't cheat. He left Christina at the altar after he made a complete U-turn. It wasn't the same. Was it? Love don't change that quickly. Does it? It can't. It cannot.

"I got to go. My interns are incredible slow in the head." Christina declared. "By the way, what are your interns like?"

" I don't know. I only spoke to them a few times. I dumped them off on Alex."

"So you could go find McDreamy, nice." Christina laughed as she walked away.

Meredith felt bad that she wasn't doing a good job or leading a good example, but Derek was more important yet still there was a voice inside of her, that told her she should ask the chief for the day off. Or talked to Callie about getting someone to cover for her. And then there was another voice that said maybe the chief talked to Callie. Maybe he did. Hopefully he did.

"Grey!" It echoed through the hall. Grey. Grey. Grey.

"Oh shit." Meredith whispered.

* * *

_**So I was wondering. Should Burke and Christina back get together in the story? Should I try and make it work out? I personally don't care for Isaiah Washington but I liked how Burke and Christina where so different from each other yet have such a great relationship. So…I am sort of undecided. What do you guys think? Yay or Nay?**_


End file.
